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Default Funny story.... pet related
Old 06-15-2007, 08:49 AM   #1 (permalink)

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet

syndrome,

including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will

have

you laughing out LOUD!



Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what

happened:



Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was

"something

wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.



"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can

you

help?"



I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into

his

bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking

stressed. I immediately knew what to do.



"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I

was

equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't

want

them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife. "Well, what do you

want me

to do, post a sign in their cage?"

she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most

loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). "Yeah, Bert and

Ernie!"

my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you

know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).



By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I

shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a

wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle

of

birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great? What

are

we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife

wanted

to know



We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny

foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't

appear

to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered,

horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it

next

appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more

times

with the same results.



"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe the y could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here

with

the females in my house?)



"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my

son

holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.



"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can

be so

cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but

this

boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).



The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little

animal through a magnifying glass.



"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh,

very

interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you

privately for a moment?"



I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In

fact,

that isn't EVER going t o happen . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is

a

young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,

like most male species, they um . . . um . . . mas****ate. Just the way

he

did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.



We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . . . just . . .

excited,"

my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we

understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.

And

then even laugh loudly.



"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman

I

married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.



Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . that . . . I'm

picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . ." She

gasped

for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned.

We

thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the < BR>lizard and our son back into the car He was glad everything was going to

be

okay.



"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. "Oh,

you

have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.



Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs

[img]images/smiley_icons/hysterical.gif[/img] [img]images/smiley_icons/hysterical.gif[/img] [img]images/smiley_icons/hysterical.gif[/img]





Edited for mild censorship
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Default Re: Funny story.... pet related
Old 06-15-2007, 04:03 PM   #2 (permalink)

<font size="3"><font color="teal">Yes its so funny, I also printed it out some time ago so that DH could read it as he has trouble reading it on the monitor. So once in a while I come accross it and read it again and always laugh out loud.

Thanks for reminding me. [img]images/smiley_icons/jiving.gif[/img] [img]images/smiley_icons/jiving.gif[/img] [img]images/smiley_icons/jiving.gif[/img]



JeanC </font>
</font>
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Default Re: Funny story.... pet related
Old 06-27-2007, 09:48 AM   #3 (permalink)

That is just toooo funny! Giggle, giggle.
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Default Re: Funny story.... pet related
Old 07-03-2007, 07:30 PM   #4 (permalink)

<font color="purple">OMG!!!!



Absolutely too funny.



Also, note to anyone thinking of sending this to someone's work e-mail...................... WARN THEM FIRST!!!!</font>


[img]images/smiley_icons/hysterical.gif[/img] [img]images/smiley_icons/hysterical.gif[/img] [img]images/smiley_icons/hysterical.gif[/img] [img]images/smiley_icons/hysterical.gif[/img] [img]images/smiley_icons/hysterical.gif[/img] [img]images/smiley_icons/hysterical.gif[/img]
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